Realising That I Love You
by Eternal Soldier
Summary: Derek Morgan was always the tough guy, the ladies man. So then why does he feel this way, about someone he never imagined he'd fall for? And what is he going to do about it? Morgan/Reid slash, unrelated to my series about them!


**A/N: So one day I was sitting at my laptop, trying to work around my writer's block to finish the fourth chapter of _Reunion_, when this suddenly popped into my head. It is Reid/Morgan slash, but it is unrelated to my series about them (you can check it out if you like, the list is on my profile, starts with _How Could It Ever Be?_) So this one's mainly from Morgan's POV... so maybe you should just read it and tell me what you think? :P  
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**Warning: Reid/Morgan slash... so if you don't like that, just don't read!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of its characters.**

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><p>Six years.<p>

Six years, they had been working together. Six years, they had been partners. Six years, since the day they'd met. Six years, since Derek Morgan had begun falling in love with Spencer Reid.

He hadn't realised it back then, of course. Back then, Reid had been a socially awkward, uncoordinated genius, fresh out of the academy and straight into the BAU. He was _still_ a socially awkward, uncoordinated genius, but he'd proved himself in the field time and time again, playing a vital role in solving some of the BAU's toughest cases. But Reid was more than their co-worker with the crazy ability to remember everything he'd ever seen or read. He was their friend.

Morgan knew he could add so much more to the list of things Reid was to him. Reid was already one of his best friends, his confidant, the one that was always there for him. He was already Morgan's _everything_. Why couldn't 'lover' and 'boyfriend' be added to that list?

_Because Derek Morgan is supposed to be the epitome of a ladies' man, not pining after his _male_ co-worker and best friend,_ Morgan thought to himself sadly. He had no idea when he'd begun to lose interest in women- maybe when he'd first met Reid. All he knew was that he'd slowly stopped being attracted to them; stopped imagining what it was would be like to be with them, to kiss them, to have them ready in his arms. Morgan knew that this was the reason he was never with the same girl twice; he couldn't get it up because he just didn't find them appealing anymore. And it was driving him insane.

A man like Derek Morgan wasn't supposed to like other men. Not that he had anything against it, of course. It was just… he was supposed to be the strong one, the kick down doors, take no prisoners type of man. And here he was, fretting over emotions that he still couldn't figure out how they had started.

When Morgan had first begun to realise that he may actually be attracted to men, he'd thrown himself _into_ women even more. He'd had one one-night stand after another, but those were meaningless to them. He didn't really _want_ them. He'd begun noticing the men on the streets and in the clubs, not the women anymore. He'd begun noticing how amazing those men really looked, the shapes of their muscles, their faces, the tussled hair, the strong eyes, their bodies… Morgan _wanted_ those men. Or more specifically, he wanted Reid.

But Reid could never want him. Reid may have been socially awkward, but he was one of the kindest, gentlest, bravest, _smartest_ people Morgan had ever met. And as Morgan had realised over the years, he was also the most beautiful person he had ever met. It was the reason he called him 'Pretty Boy'. Morgan on the other hand, while he could count himself as good looking, was not kind and gentle like Reid. He was broken. He wasn't a complete, whole man. He had never been. And he never would. Reid deserved the best. He deserved to not only be with someone who loved him, but with someone who would never hurt or desert him. And that person was not Derek Morgan.

Which was why Morgan was sitting at his desk in his office that Monday morning, his head in his hands. Try as he might, he _could not_ get those thoughts of Reid out of his head. Very inappropriate thoughts they were too. Reid's lips against his, Reid's hair running through his fingers, feeling Reid's naked chest underneath his hands, Reid's prone body lying between the sheets with him, as close as he could possibly be, their bodies melding together as one…

_No._ Morgan shook his head, trying to get rid of those thoughts of Reid, thoughts that he could not have. Reid was his co-worker, his _partner_. Reid didn't love him- he couldn't. And feeling this way about someone he worked so closely with, when that person didn't feel the same way, was a recipe for complete and utter disaster.

"Derek?" came a soft, unsure voice from the doorway.

Morgan lifted his head, his eyes barely focusing on the woman before him: the very colourfully dressed Penelope Garcia. His best friend. His god-given solace. "Hey, baby girl," he whispered, his voice slightly hoarse. He almost sounded like he had been crying.

"Are you okay, angel face?" Garcia asked, her usual bright and happy tone replaced by a much gentler, more serious one. She could tell straight away, just by looking at the other agent, that he was definitely not okay. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't know," Morgan admitted. "I don't… I don't know what to do."

Garcia moved into the room. "You know, talking about it usually helps," she said gently.

Morgan sighed. "I guess we could then," he said, in an unusually small voice. "Close the door," he added, when Garcia took a step forward.

Garcia hesitated for a moment, an expression of slight shock on her face. Morgan never asked her to close the door. And he just looked so _miserable_, so resigned to his situation; this had to be pretty serious. So Garcia did as Morgan asked, and closed the door before she took the chair in front of his desk. "So spill," she said. "What's going on?"

"It's not that easy, Garcia," said Morgan, a slight hint of desperation in his voice. "I've tried _so_ hard to forget all of this; telling you would be admitting it."

"Is it really so bad?" Garcia asked soothingly, but Morgan didn't reply. He just sat there, facing her but with his eyes, his mind and his heart focused somewhere else.

Eventually, Morgan opened his mouth. "Do you ever wonder why I didn't ask you out? Why our relationship was always platonic?" Garcia didn't reply; she had no idea what to say. "I didn't, at first. I guess that's because it really crept up on me; it didn't just happen. I just… I slowly started to lose interest in them, until now I'm not attracted to them at all."

"Lose interest in what?" Garcia prodded gently. She knew that all she had to do now was keep Morgan talking; once he got started, he wouldn't want to stop until he had it all off his chest.

"Women," Morgan answered, not bothering to hide the desolation in his voice. "I stopped noticing them, and starting noticing men. My own sex. I- I'm gay, Garcia." It was the first time he'd ever said it aloud, the first time he'd ever admitted it to _anyone_- and if Morgan was honest, the first time he'd ever admitted it to himself.

Garcia was shocked, but she managed to compose herself enough to reach out and take Morgan's hand in her own, squeezing it slightly. "Is being gay really such a terrible thing?" she asked.

"After I really think about it, no," Morgan admitted. "I mean, at first I thought it was. I'm the macho guy, the tough one. What will people say if- _when_- they find out? What will they think of me? They'll never look at me the same, Garcia."

"Being gay doesn't define you, Derek," Garcia told him. "Sure you like your own sex. So what? It doesn't change who you are."

"I realise that now," said Morgan. The hopelessness and despair was beginning to creep back into his voice now. "But that's not the main problem, Garcia. That's not what's got me so scared."

Scared. That was the word that got Garcia. Morgan had never admitted he was scared before. "Then what is it?" she said.

"It's who I'm in love with that scares me," Morgan replied. "They-he- I've never felt this way about _anyone_, Garcia, woman or man. But I can't be in love with them. It could ruin everything."

"How so?"

"Because they don't love me back," said Morgan resignedly. "He never could. And I can't tell him. I can't lose his friendship. He means way too much to me for me to risk that happening."

"Who are you in love with, Derek?" Garcia asked, even though she thought she already knew the answer.

And she was right. "Reid," Morgan replied, looking back down at his hands. "I'm in love with Spencer Reid."

Garcia squeezed Morgan's hand again comfortingly, aching to get rid of the absolutely wretched expression on his face. "So what are you going to do?" she asked.

Morgan looked back up at her. "What do you mean, 'what am I going to do'?" he said. "I'm not going to do anything. I can't tell him- it would ruin _everything_. He wouldn't want to even _see_ me again."

"So you're just going to go through the rest of your life trying to pretend like you're not in love with Reid? Trying to bottle your feelings up?" Garcia said doubtfully. "You know that's not going to work."

"But what else can I do, Garcia?" said Morgan plaintively. "He doesn't love me back. Not the way I love him."

"How can you be so sure?" said Garcia. The older man looked at her, confused. "Reid's gay, Derek."

Morgan eyes grew wide. "Wh-what?" he stammered. "A-are you sure?"

"Gay as the fourth of July," Garcia confirmed. "Definitely. He told me himself. You have to tell him, Derek. _Please_. I can't stand to see you like this."

"But what's going to happen if he doesn't feel this way about me?" Morgan asked.

"Trust me, Derek, you don't have to worry about that," Garcia assured him.

Morgan sighed and looked back down at his hands for a moment, thinking. "I'm going to have to tell him, aren't I?" he realised. "Every time I look at him, I can't help but think- I just think about how I feel about him. How much I _want_ him. How much I _love_ him. If I don't tell him, it's just going to get worse, and I won't even be able to look at him anymore."

"So you want me to go get him then?" said Garcia. Morgan didn't say anything, but that in itself was his reply; he wasn't resisting Garcia anymore. This was the best she was going to get. Garcia rose to her feet. "He'll be here in a few, Derek," she whispered before leaving the room.

Morgan remained at his desk, a growing sense of dread filling him. He knew that he had to do this; he couldn't go on, spending the rest of his life trying to quash his feelings for Reid. But he just could not shake the belief that no matter Reid's own sexual orientation, he did not love Morgan the way Morgan loved him.

"Morgan?" said that all-too-familiar voice, breaking through Morgan's reverie. He had to blink a few times to focus, but when he did he saw Reid standing in his doorway. Reid. Beautiful, gorgeous, _amazing _Reid. The man he loved.

"Hey," said Morgan in greeting. "Can you come in and close the door?" This was it. This was the moment.

Reid had the same shock on his face that Garcia had had, but like Garcia he did what Morgan had asked. He sat down in one of the chairs in front of Morgan's desk, and was surprised again when Morgan rose from the chair behind his desk and took the one next to Reid.

"Is something wrong?" Reid asked, the worry in his voice making Morgan's heart ache. The concern the kid had for everyone close to him was one of the reasons why Morgan loved him so much.

"Yes- no… I don't know," Morgan admitted. "I guess that remains to be seen."

Reid's expression was a mixture of concern and confusion. "Wh-what do you mean?"

"This could go good- it could be the greatest moment of my life, the ultimate salvation. But at the same time, it could go completely downhill," Morgan clarified.

Reid, if it was at all possible, became even more worried and confused. "But… but what does that have to do with me?" he asked.

Morgan sighed, looking down at his hands wringing in his lap. Reid opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something, but seemed to think better of it and closed it again. Garcia had told him that Morgan needed to tell him something very important, so Reid had to wait for Morgan to tell him on his own terms.

"I…" Morgan began. "Oh, god, I don't know how to say this. I have never been so scared in my entire life." He looked down his hands, and took a deep breath. "I- I'm gay, Reid."

Reid was silent at Morgan's revelation. Morgan looked up to see the younger man wearing an expression of complete and utter shock on his face, looking like he almost didn't comprehend Morgan's words. "What?" he gasped. "Since- since when?"

"It's been growing in me for a while," said Morgan. "Until I began to realise that I wasn't attracted to women anymore; I'm attracted to men. That's why you would never see me with the same woman twice. They would leave me straight away, because I just couldn't- perform with them anymore. I drowned myself in women, because I wanted to forget how I felt."

"Is being gay really such a bad thing?" said Reid, echoing Garcia's words from earlier- but with a strange tone of hurt to them.

"No, of course it isn't!" Morgan exclaimed. A strange expression crossed Reid's face, almost like relief, before it vanished again. "That's not the problem. It's who I have feelings for that's the problem. I'm afraid that they don't feel the same way about me, and that if I tell them how I feel it would ruin everything.

"Who is it?" Reid asked, a very strange tone in his voice.

"You," Morgan answered. "It's you. I'm in love with you, Spencer Reid. I've been falling for you since the day we first met. You are _everything_ to me- my best friend, my life. Every time I look at you, I… I can't stop thinking about you, Reid. I love you. And I have been so, so scared to tell you because I never, _ever_ want to lose you."

Reid was silent and unmoving, just staring at Morgan. Morgan had never been more afraid than in that moment. Did this mean Reid was about to walk right out of his life and never come back?

Reid reached out rather tentatively and took Morgan's hand in his own. "Why did you think you couldn't tell me?" Reid whispered. "I would never leave you, D-Derek."

It was Reid's use of his first name, more than anything else that got Morgan. Reid had never used his first name. _Never_. "Did… did Garcia tell you about me?" he asked hesitantly. Morgan nodded. "Then why didn't you think it was possible that I…" Reid trailed off, unable to finish his sentence. Morgan studied him, now the one feeling confused. What on earth was Reid trying to say? Could he be…?

"Spencer, whatever it is, you can tell me," said Morgan, fighting to stop the hope creeping into his voice.

"I… I don't know if I can," Reid stammered.

"Then show me," Morgan suggested, looking Reid right in the eye. Reid didn't react for a while- just looked down at the hand that was still joined with Morgan's. For one long, horrible moment Morgan thought he'd been wrong, that Reid _was_ about to walk out of his life, when Reid suddenly looked up. Morgan barely had time to register the unfamiliar look in Reid's eyes before the genius leaned forward and slowly, softly, pressed his lips to Morgan's. After he had gotten past the shock, Morgan began to return the kiss. His lips moved against Reid's like they were made for each other. The kiss became deeper as the two conveyed all the passion and all the feelings they had bottled up, their tongues remaining entwined as Morgan reached up and twirled the fingers of one hand into Reid's hair, pulling the other man even closer.

Reid was the first one to break away after a long, long moment, gasping for air. "I- I guess I did show you what I was trying to say," he managed to get out. "I- I love you too, Derek. I've known I was gay for a long, long time, before I even joined the Academy, and when I met you, I- I never, ever thought-" Reid choked up, unable to finish his sentence.

Morgan smiled and stood up, pulling Reid up with him. He wrapped his arms around the skinny genius and pulled him close, yearning for the physical contact both to satisfy his own needs and to show Reid that he truly loved him. "I guess we were both wrong, huh?" Morgan laughed.

"So… so you do definitely love me?" said Reid quietly, needing that confirmation.

Morgan nodded. "Like I said, Spence, I've been falling for you since the day we met. And if it wasn't for Garcia forcing me, I would never had the courage to tell you."

Reid looked up at Morgan. "Yes you would have," he said. "You're the bravest man I've ever known. You may not have felt like it, but you would have eventually found the courage to tell the truth. You are brave, and selfless, and one of the kindest men I've ever met. It's why I love you."

"How can you believe in me so much?" Morgan asked, pulling away from Reid so he could study him properly. "I… I've always felt like I'm not good enough for you; that you're a much better man than me."

"I believe in you so much because you _are_ a good man, Derek," Reid replied like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "No matter how many times you say you're not. And I hope I can spend the rest of my life telling you that."

Morgan smiled. "You can certainly do that, Spence," said Morgan, liking the way Reid's first name sounded on his tongue. He'd never said it before, and saying it now just felt… right.

Suddenly there was a knock on Morgan's door and both men turned around, startled. "Baby boy, it's Garcia!" the technical analyst's voice rang out. "Can I come in?"

Morgan turned to look at Reid, who nodded. "You can come in, Garcia!" Morgan replied.

Garcia cracked open the door cautiously and peered into room. She took one look at Reid and Morgan, how close together they were standing and the happiness that was clearly evident on their faces, and the widest grin she had ever worn spread across her face.

"What did I tell you?" Garcia joked.

"That Spencer is as gay as the fourth of July, and that I needed to tell him how I felt because I was driving you crazy by being so depressed," said Morgan.

"'Gay as the fourth of July'?" Reid repeated, confused.

"It means you are completely gay, not attracted to women at all, boy wonder," Garcia explained. "But that's not important. What is, is that you two finally managed to suck it up and tell each other how you felt."

"'Suck it up'? Ouch, Garcia, that really hurt!" Morgan joked, still not moving any further away from Reid, who looked over at him and smiled.

"Well it's true!" Garcia defended. "You two wasted all this time trying to deny your feelings for each other, thinking that they weren't reciprocated, when in fact they were. Just think of what you could have been doing all this time!" Garcia laughed as she said that last sentence, obviously imagining what Reid and Morgan could have been doing herself.

"I'd rather not, Garcia," Morgan admitted. "I'd rather think about where the future could and will lead the two of us." And with that, Morgan wrapped both his arms around the skinny genius and pulled him even closer, their lips meeting in a moment of tenderness and love, one that delighted Garcia even more.

_My Love. My Boyfriend. My life_. Reid was Morgan's now, and Morgan was Reid's. And that was something the former ladies' man, the take-no-prisoners macho FBI agent, _never_ wanted to change.

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><p><strong>AN: So there you have it! Just a little bit of something different. What did you think? Love, hate, in between? Be sure to send me a review and tell me what you think!**

**Note from Diamond Cobra, my ever-faithful beta: "Well that was B-A-Utiful. (Yes I did blantanly steal that word from Rayne McKenna =3)"**


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